Feelings in disguise…

To the one I share beautiful memories with,
Hey. How are you? I heard you haven’t been keeping up lately but believe me all that blows over, you’re one of the strongest people I know. The past year has been…well, I have mixed feelings about it. When I met you, somewhere around mid November 2013, I apologize but the first day I saw you, my first thought was “who ordered the ugly?” But then you became sorta attractive the second day, I wonder how that happened. Anyway, I wasn’t in the best of conditions that time but you fixed that, you fixed everything, almost like you filled the void that was missing and I still don’t know how, I really doubt you do either. It was our first MUN conference together and let me tell you a little secret, that girl you were flirting with? She forwarded me all of your chits, so next time don’t ask a girl why she’s shy via chit.
We started speaking and gradually, talking to you became a part of my daily routine. Then rolled in December, your birthday month. You invited me to the party and I ended up as the only girl there *awkward* but honestly I’m glad I was there, because for some deranged reason, it felt good to be around you.
It was after new years arrived, I started doubting my feelings. My conversations with my best friend consisted mainly of “I think I like him” and “I have a bad feeling about this” Well touché to that. Then we went for our second MUN conference together, the one where you wanted to kiss me? Where you liked me? Ofcourse you confessed all this a lot later. It was after this, that I started putting the pieces of my mind together, that is when I realized I liked you. But hey! I couldn’t ruin our friendship and so it stayed the way it was except it wasn’t long until you first said “I love you” to me, at first I didn’t understand where we were going with this but then that’s what it became, two really really good friends who flirted a lot and said “I love you” to each other a lot. Then came the next MUN and I didn’t know why but you seemed so sad and disconnected with everything, I asked you what happened, I asked you if you were okay and all you could manage to do was thank me unconditionally for caring about you.
Our friendship remained like that until June 2014 by then you managed to pull me out of my past and I became well aware of my feelings for you and so I told you about them *worst decision ever* but you didn’t let go of our friendship, it stood unchanged.
So thank you for that.
Then we had our first fight and to this day, I fail to understand why it ever took place. We didn’t talk for almost a month or so, man did that kill me. After a few drunk texts and a million calls to you, in the first week of July you told me you love me and apologized and without second thought, I let you in. We were back to our old friendship except this time there was a lot more love involved.
Mid august you told me you love her, you wanted to talk to her and so I stood by you. You asked her out and you asked if I was fine with it, you said you’ll leave her if that’s what I want, you said I’d always be your first love but who was I to stop you? I didn’t want you to let go because I thought you loved her, turns out it was just infatuation. Then she came along and she seemed bothered about you and me and she asked me what was between us and that’s when our friendship shattered. We still talked but not like it was, our conversations became shorter and everything hit rock bottom. Then your relationship with her became unsteady and you came back. October 3rd. We met at the same place your birthday party was held. Being there with you couldn’t have felt better, it was mesmerizing and I can still feel your arms around me. I didn’t know it’d have such an effect on me, if I did, I’d have never met you that day. I thought it was a one time thing you know? That it won’t matter to me and that I won’t let it bother me, but when you kissed me, everything changed. All those feelings reversed and something in me craved you even more. My want for you increased and I couldn’t fathom head or tail of what had just happened.
After a few days, she found out and I’m sure she gave you a hard time. You told me we shouldn’t talk for a long time, since then we haven’t spoken. To this day, we’ve had 3 Short conversations and I’ve been told you love me. I sure do hope that you miss me like I miss you. But sometimes I feel like a nothing to you, I saw how you got protective about another girl that day, I saw how you looked at her, how you spoke to her, how your arm so easily wrapped itself around her waist ignoring the mere fact that I was right there. I don’t know why you did it but I could sought to one explanation to console myself :Actions speak louder than words. I promised you I won’t give up on us and you promised me the same. But now I realize, we were never an “us”.
I know this is just my side of the story and I don’t know why I told you. You already know this. There is so much more that I want to say but that’s okay, I’ll leave that for sometime that I’m hopelessly drunk over you. You made me feel amazing, you taught me a lot of things, being strong is one of them. I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I do, because everyone deserves love. Maybe I’ll get over you, probably soon. And I promise you, that once I am…I’ll never look back.
The girl who misses you.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Varnika Sharma says:

    Beautiful, you type.


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