Nostalgic Nights…

It’s been so long and so painful that “I miss him”  has started to seem like an understatement. so I looked up synonyms and “yearn for”, “long for”, “regret the absence of” didn’t seem to come close either. Maybe “nostalgic for” would do. He is now just faded memories and painful flashes in a blur, because I don’t just “miss” him; I crave his company, I get breathless at the thought of him. The empty void and missing piece inside me becomes more prominent and obvious to me. My stomach ties up in knots making me nauseous and in that moment my life turns into a hopeless clichè movie, I see him and my jaws clench and my hands curl into tight fists and the thought of our hands locked, unwanted and gut-wrenching, enters my mind like the countless times it has before.
Is this what people mean when they say they “miss” someone? I don’t think so because at the rate this word is used in the world, we’re all probably seriously fucked up. It isn’t just “missing”, it’s painful and agonizing and mortifying and distressing and disturbing and no combination of twenty six alphabets will describe how it feels.

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