Nine months, seven days and counting…

Sitting in my bed, talking to my best friend. I just realized something. Something I wish I could escape forever. I don’t love you, I mean how can one love someone they don’t even know. I’m in love with an idea of you, an image you portray, a fragment in my mind that doesn’t exist. And when I ask my friend as to whether they would deal with half the stuff that I have, they say that they would because “it’s okay to be in love”, but little do they realize that being in love with you is kinda different from loving an image of you. The words you say, I wonder if you mean even one fourth of them, yet I stay up all night looking at your profile waiting for a simple “hey”.
Always been your second choice, haven’t I? No matter how much you deny it, there’s only so evident you can make it. Never once have you bothered to ask me whether I’m doing fine, well, if only you knew. If only you knew how much I love talking to you, if only you heard the way I talk about you, if only you read between the lines of my posts about you, if only you knew how drained I get when you don’t reply….if only.
I convince myself not to send you a message, knowing there’s a chance you won’t bother to reply, and I open my books and get down to it; but three questions down and I’m ready to text you one last time.
You said you wanted me to forget you because it will apparently be good for me, well so will being in your arms. I don’t know when you’ll understand, babe, I miss you beyond words. I hear you told the other girl that you didn’t love her anymore, that you feelings had changed, but it’s been over a year, why couldn’t you say it to me? It makes me feel kinda special but at the same time I realize, perhaps you never felt that way and there was never a need to say it. And then again I’m in a dilemma, is it even possible to fake those many words? Is it even fair to misuse those three words for over a year? I guess I’ll never know.
You asked me with such confidence “just tell me what do you want?” Well, I want you. I want your happy times, your tears, your childhood memories, your favorite colour, I want you to realize that I love you even if you don’t. I want to talk to you day in and day out and I want to be the person that knows you best. But I think you shouldn’t be asking about things you don’t know how to reply to, because if there’s anything I know for sure, it is the fact that you can’t give me any of these things.
You’ve made me numb and heartless towards the feelings of others, those that genuinely try to get close to me and received with closed doors instead. I can’t really blame you though, I trust you enough to know you didn’t do it intentionally but how couldn’t you have realized what you were doing? Lies after lies, how could you believe I won’t find out?
I’m so unsure of what to even say to you anymore, I am sick and tired of what we have going on and although I will never by choice resort to this option but I’m afraid you’re forcing me to give up on you.
Regards
I’m tired of using closure as an excuse