Well, since I was a kid , I was an over-weight child; call it genes or unhealthy lifestyle, it was what it was. I have always been insecure, it was painfully true. Trying to figure out whether I actually belonged with my friends or not. I never fit in with the nerds, the athletes nor the popular one. Just like a misfit. I rather prefer remaining in the shadows than being brought into the spotlight to be humiliated or embarrassed. You know like that weird kid that sits at the last bench, that no one wants to sit with.
I read the message she sent to me, over and over again. I couldn’t believe that’s what she went through in those fun and frolic years of middle school where one should be acquainted with joy and happiness, instead, she got this. She got children laughing at her for her weight and no body there to support her, because who wants to be “that fat girl’s friend”, that’s just how our society is built isn’t it?
Why aren’t all sizes as appealing to us, as much as those size zero models? Why is there a constant need to be that thin girl on the front page? When will we learn that beauty is not the end of the world? And for heavens sake! When will we see that the girl in the magazine looks nothing like her pictures!?
The only reason I didn’t cut myself, though I was pretty close to it at one point, was the fact I thought I deserved this pain, Like cutting would be an easy escape and I felt that I didn’t deserve anything easy.
This deeply saddens me. I know it’s all fun and games until you’re at the receiving end of it, when you feel the hate dig in and the anger starts to boil and you blame yourself for it. But was it her fault? Was it the boys fault? Was it the relatives and teachers that didn’t support her? That’s the whole problem isn’t it? There’s no one to take on the responsibility of the pain one girl was going through simply because her body was different.
There’s a million girls out there, who purge, who starve themselves, who exercise so much that their bodies can’t handle it. There’s hundreds of girls and guys around us, if only we looked carefully, who are at the brink of their patience, who are just a push away from things that may be irreparably damaging to them and the people around them.
If only we’re willing to hear them, and listen to what they have to say.
No matter what I’m told, I will always see her in a different light now, one of pride for she chose to not indulge in self harm no matter what the reason, for she is one of the coolest and sweetest girls I know and also an amazing guitarist, I’m proud of her for having the confidence to stand up for herself and get past what was an emotionally torturous period for her.
“Is there anything you want to say to the people who may be going through what you did?”
Do not give up hope, because it’s hope that keeps our humanity thriving, there’s no point in giving up hope when you could’ve persevered a little longer and achieved a happiness greater than what most wish to have.
My pen pal for the past one year was the only one who knew about this, and was the only one by my side, not literally but morally. He wasn’t related to me neither did he owe me anything yet he wanted to fix me and heal my scars. Its the most beautiful feeling I’ve felt. I had no hope, but this one person whom I barely knew at the time gave me hope I never thought of myself capable of harbouring.