My life used to be full of surprises, fun and people who loved me. And here is a cliché dialogue from a cliché girl. Now, it’s nothing special.
Everyday would be waking up to his messages, starting the day with a bath, breakfast and a call from him. The sun in my skies shone brighter each day as his love for me increased. Making cards for him, other friends, writing for him and calling my best friend were things I used to do every single day. Every day, there would be a new controversy. Someone broke someone’s heart, someone proposed to someone, someone made it to second base with their boyfriend, tests are approaching, lets get drunk, lets sneak out of our houses for parties. Life never became boring. The thrill was endless. Those conversations that went on forever and the nights where sleep seemed unimportant in comparison to fantasizing about him. Those random outbursts of “I have the hottest boyfriend on the planet and I need to kiss him or the world will end.”, melting every time I saw a romantic movie just thinking about him. It was all so..perfect. There were no breaks, just continuous restlessness, love and that sweet torture that I was put through every time I was away from him. Even when there were fights and crying, there was something still existent. Something new taking place. My first thought in the mornings would be “Do i go to school today? Aah who am I kidding? I cant go a day without seeing him.” and with that, a big smile would spread across my face. Days started with excitement, want, need to see him and ended with dreams about him. Sometimes I would worry about the fact that he will leave me someday and at other times, I would just embrace the fact that I’m blessed to have him for the time that I do. Planning a future with him- “I want adopted kids. We’ll be working so much. We’ll have a huge house with so many rooms. We’ll do this and we’ll do that…” It was never-ending. Somedays, I wouldn’t be happy and I would go to him. He’d tell me what I should do about it and just an “I Love You” from him would bring back my smile. I would sing for him and he would say a million things about how good I was at it (I’m not that good!) and how it would hypnotize him. The face time calls took us to yet another level of comfortability. His melodious silence, his ‘phatti hui’ awaaz, his tendency to see the beauty in everything, the depth of his dreams, his english, his determination, his intellect <3. His eyes, the alluring effect they have on me. His laugh, the most unique, picture perfect, heart-melting, breath-taking laugh I will ever hear. He was the giggle in my life..the element of surprise..a reason to succeed..a reason to dream. He was my angel and I, his 'angeless'. A modern fairytale. And then..it was all just over. Just like that. A million memories turned to ash (somewhat literally). All my reasons? Gone. The giggle? Gone. The girl I was, the one who was mostly happy and strong? Gone.
Everything gone, taken away by a fleeting moment. A fleeting moment which felt like a life-long process of grieving our end.
The girl I was, maybe am (highly improbable), she was/is hopelessly crazy in love with him. And has feelings for no one but him. Her head is filled with thoughts and fantasies of him, him and only him. Her subconscious is filled with hopes of his return and her heart, her hands are scarred. She's a cry baby? No. Its just that her love is true and she can't bear it being taken away from her. So she cries and drinks. And all of these are reasons why I had to kill that girl. Why i had to lock her away in a cellar and never look back. Because she's better dead. With her death, died my feelings, the hidden X factor in me, the real me. Who I really am is better dead. Because he was the only person who ever loved that girl, knew her and I know for a fact that there is nobody else who can do that. That girl, the one everyone loved has removed her hold from over my mind and my life. No one ever gets to see that side of me again no matter how special they might be. No one except him. And it's sad how my first kiss will be with someone who doesn't even know the real me. Nonetheless, she's not coming back for now. She does come alive around him sometimes. He makes me feel again. His presence seems to be quite enough to bring my heart to life. But I push it down against hundreds of screams that tell me otherwise. This is going to happen for a long long time..isn't it? Well. I'm glad I have the will to take all the blows. For once, I'm glad I have the will to force a smile.
I continue to exist, I continue to breath. Life has not moved me on but hopefully, my heart won't still be searching for him in the crowds even though its highly probable that it's inevitable.