Some things in life just make you question everything. “When did all this begin? How did all of this happen? Why me? What did I do wrong? How did I end up here?”
Sometimes, it may lead for you to start questioning your identity. Like I’m doing right now.
I don’t exactly know what kind of a person I’ve become. Nor do I remember the person I was. And maybe, I’ll never be who I was before.
All I know is, I have no idea who I am. And I don’t even know how I got here? It’s like the entire 17 years of my life have been a lie. Like I’ve been living in a dream that has just come to life. All the people I knew, correction, I THOUGHT I knew, are nowhere to be seen. In fact they’re all as good as dead.
And the people who are there, are not much of a help. They just don’t get how it feels when you lose everything and everyone you’ve ever known.
Every single person who I’ve ever known, everyone I idealised, turned out to be the exact opposite of what I thought of them. The people who claimed to be the happiest by my birth, are the same people who make made me want to end my life.
At first, I was kinda holding up when some people from my so called family started showing their true colors. Who knew that my ENTIRE family would eventually join the “party”? Yeah, growing up in what I thought was a big happy joint family would have been fun, but as fate had it, it wasn’t. Getting to know just how great the adults in my life were was heart-breaking and very traumatic.. But still, I was trying to get through, for I owed it to my Dad. I mean, at the end of the day, HE had given 50 damn years of his life to his “family”, who ‘talked of love, preached of love, but didn’t act so lovingly.’ I had to stay strong, and support him. It wasn’t his fault that our entire family is full of selfish backstabbing hypocrites, who tried everything in their potential to torture us and simply end our mere existence.
But there’s always this final blow that just completely wrecks your soul, makes your heart sink to your stomach and physically hurts you. The psychological pain heightens to such an extent that it starts manifesting into physical ailments. And in the midst of all this, you just lose all hope, all faith. It’s like someone sucked the life out of you, and you’re left, just a mere piece of flesh, a waste of space and energy.
For me this blow came when I lost my only and best friend of 7 years. Yeah, she just stopped talking to me like I meant nothing to her.
We went from surprising each other at 12 on each of our birthdays to ignoring each other’s existence. Even today her current friends continue to spread rumours about me, bitching about me to people I don’t even know.
And the worst part? She left when I could have used any support, any friends that I had. She just stopped being a friend at the time I least expected it. And I still don’t know what I did to deserve all this.
And now it’s as if I’m not even alive anymore, I’m just existing.
I don’t feel anything anymore. Love, hate, happiness, pain. They’re not feelings, just mere words.