Dear grandpa…

It’s one of those nights where your memory haunts my thoughts. When your frail body that was being put through so much pain yet always managed to give the brightest smile crosses my mind. When the day of your demise bombards my thoughts as though I lost you forever just yesterday.
I guess I never thought it could be over you know? I never thought those walks in the park and morning hugs could just…stop. I’m sorry for not being good enough, I’m sorry I screamed at you when all you ever wanted was for me to be more hardworking, I’m sorry that all the promises I made to you were barely ever fulfilled, I’m sorry that I didn’t do everything I could to make you happier through everything.
I still remember the times you would let me steal all your favorite chocolates and not let anyone scold me for it, and when you would wake up every morning and wash the cars at home and your absolute stubbornness against ever even sitting in a wheelchair. Oh and how you hated the fact that we decided to remodel the house, you were always so anti change and I never understood that. But I do now.
And I didn’t realize that until I saw you lying on your bed, the only place you had ever been except your favorite corner for the past four years, with your body nothing more than mere flesh and bones already on the verge of decaying. Until I was crying my eyes out, waiting for you to respond. Until your body temperature fell so drastically that I realized there was no turning back. Till I was breathing for air and seeing my dad being strong just because he couldn’t face his worst fears. Till the entire family huddled in our house and the condolences felt like mere words. When I saw grandma sleeping in your side after bed, night after night.
And when I finally understood death.
Regards,
Your granddaughter.
I love you and I miss you.