It’s getting hard again. I don’t know why but it is.
It’s like things are going out of control minute by minute, second by second. Well, yeah. It’s a part of life. I mean life has a tendency of fucking things up when you try to finally be happy but its in your hands whether you choose to be happy or not. But it’s that phase where you just can’t. You’re stuck in the middle wondering whether to continue your life and not give a damn about anything in the world and be happy or, end your life right there and then and trust me, its the hardest feeling you have to face. Things get hard. You can’t concentrate anymore, you lose all focus. You can’t handle anything or anyone. You’re trying so hard to be yourself but you lost yourself deep in your messed up mind and all you do is rage out on everyone and everything even though you didn’t mean it. You’re losing your mind and you can’t handle it. You just can’t take it all anymore.
I know it’s easy to say ‘just find yourself’ or ‘what’s the big deal all other kids do it and they ace it’ well guess what? I am not other kids. I engage in self harm, what you call ‘clinical depression’ has been my life for the past two years, I hate my school, I hate the people around me and I was not made to study no matter how ‘smart’ you think I am. You don’t know what it’s like inside my head, where it’s all an organized chaos. It’s not as simple as people portray it to be, when you’ve understood the reality of life, everything seems too meager in comparison.
Until then, it is the hatred that digs deep into your bones and pain that crawls up your spine and you have no choice but to give in.
* This post in a joint collaboration with Psychotic Lies. Guys do check her out, she is one of my closest friends!