I put my phone aside after an hour of saying my goodbyes to him. It was a daily ritual, as though I couldn’t sleep without talking to him for at least an hour after saying bye. When I would finally feel the sleep in my eyes begin to gently pull me into a soft lullaby, “I love you” I’d say, subtly confessing my love for him every night followed by a final innocent goodnight. “I love you too sunshine” he’d say, with an innocent smile and warmth radiating from his words. It was the ideal comedy of errors, his friendship and my love could simply never cross paths in reality.
I let sleep gently coax me in it’s arms telling me it would all be okay, as I slip into my favorite dream; the one where I wake up next to him. It’s simpler in my dreams though.
In my dreams, I shuffle in bed, right before sunrise and am not the least bit surprised to wake up next to you. You look calm in your sleep, as though nothing in the world could bother you in a moment of peace. I wish I could stop time in those moments. I’d caress your hair and wake you up with a simple kiss.
In my dreams, I imagine that you’re still half asleep when you pull me closer and say, “Good morning sunshine” in that sleepy voice that I’ve always loved and you’d just know I was smiling wide. I would wrap myself around you and snuggle over to your side of the bed with you and you’d welcome me with soft kisses. Loving you is like the calm in the middle of a storm, it’s the chaos that we live for. There’s no pit in my stomach or butterflies running wild, you, are the one thing I am sure about.
In my dreams, we are meant to be together. We steal blankets and cook dinners together, we have pillow fights that lead to make out sessions and saying “I love you” is our favorite part of the day. In my dreams, you bring me yellow flowers in exchange for kisses and I bake you cakes while we try to salsa on the kitchen floor. We’re three am ice creams, bullets cigarettes and movie marathons. We’re water balloon fights in the afternoons and hot tea on rainy days. We’re discussions about psychology and midnight blues and singing in the car at every red light. In my dreams, we’re a fire that never burns out. We can survive anything.
Most days, however, I wake up in my bed alone, farther than you than I have ever felt. It’s uncanny how sometimes dreams can be better than reality.