“The past few days have been nothing short of mundane and dull. I’ve been stuck in the hospital for fourteen days and I’m not getting any better, my dad says that it’s still a good thing because I’m not really getting worse either. My body is just stagnant. There’s only so many movies one can watch and books one can read before they start missing the daily societal routine imposed on them. I never realized how much we needed some purpose as human beings, just how much we needed to believe we were wanted and that we were essential to the everyday jargon of life. I just wanted to have a goal to work for, something to look forward to.
When I walked into this hospital for the first time, I finally understood why people romanticize pain. It’s like the more you make yourself and those around you believe that this is just one beautiful bittersweet phase that you will grow old to tell stories about, perhaps when you tuck your children into bed one hard rainy day, you’ll tell them about how you made it. You romanticize it because if you don’t then you’re nothing but an exception to the illusion of a big happily ever after; and how can anyone, bear the thought of having to live with that.
You start to see through lies and bullshit. You start seeing things more clearly. The more you shut yourself into this void where nothing, but you exist, it’s like disconnecting from reality. Like you could close your eyes and ears and scream at the top of your lungs and the world around you would walk on in oblivion. And some days you just sit and stare at everything and nothing waiting for your thoughts to hit you like a tidal wave; other days you just go along life’s everyday moments not knowing why you do things anymore. Do any of us really know why we do things anymore?”